The wrong way

I’m just in from a very uneventful walk in the park, it was lovely and peaceful. It was what you’d expect from a walk in the park. It was the walk in the park that people refer to when implying that something was simple and enjoyable. Children seemed happy, parents content, couples looked loving, there were no kamikaze teenage cyclists and no joggers looked like they were on their last legs. Joyous.

Yesterday’s walk in the park however was no walk in the park. It was stressful, too long and not just a little weird.

I can usually pre judge a walk to within a couple of hundred steps, yesterday’s went 4,000 over.

My first mistake was to take a path I’d seen from a distance but hadn’t actually walked before. It delivered me to a spot that I have rarely been to and pointed me towards an unknown path. Great, I thought, give it a go, what can possibly go wrong? Now that in itself is a danger sign, if you think, even fleetingly, what could possibly go wrong? Don’t do it, whatever it is. Plenty could go wrong as you’re obviously in uncertain territory and should only proceed if you have plentiful supplies, time on your hands, energy to spare and a pit helmet.

Firstly I found a cafe previously unknown to me. Fabulous, I hear you say, but then I couldn’t find a way out of an unusually enclosed area. I just kept walking around in ever decreasing circles. I went off the path into long grass and nettles in a desperate attempt to get off the walking roundabout I found myself on, but, without retracing my steps because that would take ages and be far too sensible. Just when I thought I might never get home I came across a little stream and an Indian family having a picnic. I must’ve looked quite mad appearing out of the undergrowth and they’d gone to such trouble to find a secluded spot. They were obviously surprised, frightened even, but they smiled so I smiled and kept on walking.

I read a Readers Digest condensed book one time about a woman who survived a plane crash in the jungle, her hot tip was; if you’re lost in a jungle, find a stream and follow it in the direction of the water flow. So that’s what I did and I had found my way back to the cafe entrance.

The weird didn’t end there. Back on familiar ground I spotted a police Range Rover parked on an expansive grassy area with two policemen on foot. A helicopter hovered above them, so along with a few other people I stopped to see what was what. The helicopter landed, it was orange with white lettering. An older gentleman next to me said to his companion, it looks like it’s wearing a Sainsbury’s carrier bag. My face probably said, you’re bloody mad mate…. but he wasn’t wrong.

Even if it was a thing to dress your helicopter as a thing, I doubt that thing would intentionally be a Sainsbury’s bag. I couldn’t stop thinking about what I might dress my helicopter as if i was invited to a helicopter fancy dress party, assuming that I had a helicopter. A giant wasp or a fly, a hummingbird or a sandcastle, a whale or Coco Chanel, Thomas the tank engine or…….

My thoughts were interrupted by a call from Cornflake, where was I? I’d been gone ages.

Ok darling almost home