Stains

Not the stains on your soul like those that the johnson and his government have.

No I’m thinking along the likes of baked bean stains.

Not like the ones Anne Margaret had to get out of her white jumpsuit after a day of filming rolling about in a sea of beans for the movie Tommy.

No, I’m talking about the stains left by a bouncy tomato sauce covered bean that escaped from the fork on the way to my mouth. Almost small enough to be ignored, but whose presence screams sloppy eater, or old lady, or sloppy old lady eater.

Occasionally I’ll have a food stain on my front because I’ve been using my large chests as a table, resting my plate on them as I eat on the sofa. I know, classy. In this instance my clothes double as a table cloth so it’s not surprising if some food ends up on them.

I wonder at what age a person can reasonably start wearing a bib again, I imagine this is something to wrestle with in a hopefully distant future.

In place of the bib solution, I’ve acquired two dresses printed in baked bean sauce coloured patterns.

Genius? I’m just following our Mother’s example. Our Father would take on any messy task anytime anywhere, Mother liked him to look smart. After years of dealing with his habits and his laundry she would only buy him dirt coloured clothes, dark beige, brown, grey, slate blue and sludgy green shades.

So, the only issue I see arising from my plan, is that I don’t eat baked beans very often and I fear I may not efficiently synchronise eating beans and wearing the correct outfit. I don’t want to limit the wearing of these dresses to just days on which I may be eating beans and some bean eating might be spontaneous in which case no plan would help.

However, all in all I’m convinced that this is a step in the right direction.

I may also invest in some egg yellow printed items for days when a fried egg might be on the menu.