Long ago I mentioned that I planned to write the zodiac tart style. It’s done, ready to launch the Mystic Tart Tea Towel collection. I am aware that reads peculiarly but it’s true, I’m opening an on-line printed things shop. I’m starting with fancy cloths to dry your dishes with. I’ll send you all a link and a discount code when it goes live.
Mystic Tart tells it as it is, warts and all, with the emphasis on the warts. You may feel mildly offended, but don’t take it personally. She’s rude about everyone.
The Tart has studied the stars in depth with an exhaustive google search. Here she reflects briefly on her extensive findings from Cosmopolitan Magazine.
March 21st – April 19th
What others say about Aries characteristics: Courageous, competitive, honest, driven, energetic.
Mystic Tart says: Those born under the sign of Aries can be reckless, insecure, tactless, pressurised, overbearing, and downright exhausting.
Never a dull moment.
April 20th – May 20th
What others say define the Taurean character: Perseverance, aesthetics, patience, relaxation, sensuous.
Mystic Tart says: Those born under the sign of Taurus can be possessed, immovable, zoned out slappers.
My kind of people.
May 21st – June 20th
What others say about the Gemini character traits: Ruthless, versatile, smart, youthful, fast.
MT says that Geminis can be superficial, two-faced gossip mongers, ruthless and immature.
I’m sure we all know and love one.
June 21st – July 22nd
What others say about Cancer: Loyal, intuitive, enigmatic, nostalgic.
The Mystic Tart says that those born under the sign of the crab can be clingy, nosey, vengeful, moody types.
Not all of them obviously.
July 23rd – August 22nd
What others say about those born under Leo: Vivacious, loves the good life, popular, protective, natural leaders.
MT feels that Lions can be spoilt, attention seeking, possessive, egomaniacs desperate for approval.
Beloved by their mothers, always.
August 23rd- September 22nd
What others say about Virgos reflects closely what Virgos say about themselves: Discriminating, modest, helpful, hardest worker in the room.
MT finds those born under the sign of The Virgin, ha, to be judgey control freaks with martyr complexes, but this isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
September 23rd- October 22nd
What others say about Librans: Known to be diplomatic, great listeners, fair and idealistic.
Mystic Tart falls under this airy-est of the signs herself but has to admit that Libras are shape shifting gossip mongers who always believe they’re right, although unable to choose one option from a variety of anything
.
October 23rd- November 21st
What others say about those born under the sign of the scorpion: Passionate, persistent, strategic, curious, and loyal.
Mystic Tart says beware, these mesmerising, obsessive, controlling creatures can be vengeful.
Go along for the rollercoaster ride, it’ll be a blast.
November 22nd- December 21st
What others say about those who are born under the sign of the archer: Independent, optimistic, adventurous, and honest.
MT says that Saggies, as they are known in her circles, can be terribly unreliable especially around time keeping issues, tactless, naïve, and rebellious. You may wonder why you might bother, but no one parties harder or better.
December 22nd- January 19th
What others say about those born under the sign of The Goat: Ambitious, persistent, realistic, sensitive, practical, and disciplined.
The Mystic Tart wonders where the fun is in that. Take your workaholic, touchy, serious, uptight goat out on the town and show them a good time for goodness’ sake.
They might thank you for it.
January 20th -February 18th
What others say about aquarians: Assertive, independent, analytical, original, humanitarian, easy going.
Mystic feels that the pressure of being both obstinate and easy going must be difficult for this detached, eccentric, hippy loner.
Bless.
February 19th – March 20th
What others say about the fish: Empathetic, mystical, romantic, impressionable, imaginative, pleasure seeking.
MT describes those born under the sign of the fish as wet, wild, elusive, fantasist, piss heads. However, from personal experience she knows them to be completely loveable.
Don’t even think of bringing up that new star sign, I’m determinedly old school on that topic. Twelve categories of shite is more than plenty.
Anyhow, on the shop front, after stocking up on all your Zodiac based gifts, you’ll get the opportunity to shop The Tart Bar and Tart’s Fancies.
It’s beyond exciting, for me if not for you.
Keep an eye open for that link, it’ll be very soon..
fat tart 
Totally fabulous and absolutely the best fun! Frenchie x
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