If the johnson is got rid of for dissing the beloved John Lewis, I will consider it just and fair. It’ll be like Al Capone being brought down not by his murderous, and other violent criminal proclivities, but by his tax avoiding shenanigans. I am mindful that all candidates for BJ’s current position are likewise … Continue reading Cash for curtains →

It was suggested recently that I'm not normal. I do not have my finger on the pulse of the nation apparently. The conversational topic that resulted in this revelation was the death of Prince Philip. To clarify, these are my thoughts on the death of a very old, rich man; I’m a republican, not a … Continue reading Public opinion →

People, people everywhere. More people, more nutters obviously, lockdown has not improved folks temperaments, oh no Having moved in during the pandemic, it’s busier around the studio than I’ve ever known it, it’ll take a bit of getting used to. The over dramatic version of me can feel like she's in one of the training … Continue reading Post LoDo →

I've just been looking for Latin words on the internet. I wanted to know the Latin for Mr. I now know there's an American body builder called Mr Latin and a variety of dating sites if a Latin lover is what you think might float your boat. I've been to church several times in the … Continue reading Latin lover →

Blue skies, sunshine and warm. Grey skies, windy and cold. Blue skies, sunshine, warm. Snow. I admit that I'm a bit of a rubbish weather girl. I don't predict weather system behaviours, I just talk about what the weather's been. Hot, dry, snow. The soon disappeared hot snap earlier this week caught me by surprise. … Continue reading Weather tart →

I have a bad habit of listening into other people's conversations. It's not intentional but once I've tuned in it's often difficult to tune out again. Usually I wouldn't join in. However, there are exceptions. Students were discussing a friend's upcoming cosmetic surgery. Apparently the reason she's having a nose job is because proportionately her … Continue reading Nosey →

If Stevie Wonder had met me this last week he may have described me as having been born under an angry star. Even in the presence of Stevie, I’d probably have banged on. To kick off this rant, I propose that sentences for criminal police officers should be double that of those meted out to … Continue reading Stars →

I thought that I had but one thought regarding lockdown. Let it end. Only yesterday I had a realisation. During a walk through the city, down Cheapside, past the Bank of England on Threadneedle Street, up Corn Hill to Leadenhall Street where I got my COVID test for the week, I became very aware that … Continue reading The end is nigh →

This week I have been high level irritated. Still battling to do my urgent work and now looking at a couple of late nights, and yet, here I am chatting with you all. The week kicked off with International Women's Day. Thanks lads for allowing us a whole day. Then we had the Meghan and … Continue reading Hate →

I'm very distracted this week. My to do lists are not being effective. I've lost focus. This may be due, at least in part, to lack of sugar, I'm trying to cut out the white stuff. It's not helpful that I have little taste for the burgeoning time sensitive tasks that make up much of … Continue reading Distra…… →

I’m a woman with opinions, many opinions, some considered, some not so much. I would hazard a guess that I have a thought, theory or opinion on most topics. On some things I may have all three. After a recent conversation with Cornflake, I have solidified my opinion that at present, the two main British … Continue reading An Opinion, a theory and a thought for the week. →

I wrote a quick note to Knitty earlier this week, just to touch base. I was struck by a couple of dismal notions while writing it. First off, I’m not missing going out anymore, at least I'm not as desperate as I thought I'd be. Then I was going to recommend, A Discovery of Witches, … Continue reading Let me out out →

So much warmer today, still cold, but not below freezing and I’m delighted.. Yes, dear reader, we are approaching that seemingly small window of time between me ceasing to complain that the weather is too cold and starting to complain that it's too hot. Last week BelVita swore that she would never again complain about … Continue reading Temperate →

Bit busy busy here, but there's always time to salute St Valentine of Rome for all you lovers out there. He's also the patron Saint of epileptics, so here's to you all too. ❤️

Zoom and the stresses surrounding its use feature in my life weekly. It appears I'm not the worst zoomer, the most ridiculous or the funniest. I am both relieved and jealous that those prizes go to Rod Ponton, who is not a cat.

This morning I felt a bit Good King Wenceslas. I drew back the curtains to see snow laying all about, quite a lot of it. Minus four FFS. This image, of an almost vitruvian heap of clothes, is a true representation of my studio outfit today (minus pants and bra, both of which were large … Continue reading Minus four degrees →

When asked by colleagues at the studio how come I got the vaccine so early, I replied cheerily, because I'm old and asthmatic. I never anticipated that being at the outside edge of middle age with an underlying health condition would be in life's plus column, but with regards to the Covid vaccination it is. … Continue reading Jab →

Yesterday morning I dropped the juicy innards of a steak and potato slice down my front while waiting to get into my studio building. Classy. I wiped myself down best I could in the circumstances. As a result of this, to add to the glamour fest that is presently my life, I smelled like a … Continue reading Note to self…Use a plate →

Another rollercoaster week. Tax return, returned with three days to spare, and if that's not reason enough to celebrate, we also had an anniversary. Thirty years since our first date. Just the two of us, at home, dinner and wine. It was very nice, GorJus gave us gifts. Tulips, chocolates and Pearl deodorant, because thirty … Continue reading Ups and downs →

Snow, so exciting, so beautiful, at least for a moment. It makes a child in a red padded play suit of us all. We are also aware that it is rare for the fluffy white stuff to hang around for very long, or indeed stay white and fluffy for very long. No one more so … Continue reading A flurry →

Maison M has noticed that he is using much more bad language since his arrival at the studios in December. There is a suspicion that it is my fault. I excused myself, explaining that my bad language has its origins in Ireland, where bad language is not offensive, just conversational. He's hoping it will be … Continue reading A day well wasted →

The working week is multi various at the moment. I'm working from home for computer work, studio when I need the big table and machinery. I'll be teaching from one place or another over the coming weeks or from the university or whatever, wherever. I've just bought a printer, digital print direct to fabric. It's … Continue reading Parrot? →

Apparently the johnson has admitted that there will be 'lumpiness and bumpiness' in the roll out of the current vaccines. My friend Suli wondered if this was a classical reference that she didn't recognise. Obviously he was unable to recall the words of a Greek or Latin writer that would relate to this current debacle. … Continue reading World Class →

This week I've been driving to the university to grade work, physical artefacts that were submitted in late November, just before we were locked out. Due to lock down I needed permission from three sets of people to get access to it. COVID world. On the way to finish up this morning I saw an … Continue reading Dangerous shit →

The holidays ended for me today. I did a practice day back at work. I forced my lazy arse out of bed and into the studio. I arrived late, left early, and fannied about while I was there. Monday I'll be ready for action. I was an inefficient shopper in M and S the other … Continue reading Sisters not twins →

It's amazing what a person can get used to. How soon things become normal if they happen often enough. Drip, drip, drip. I, for instance, now assume that if a Tory politician is talking, they are lying. It's normal. I accept it. Perhaps they are unaware of the truth due to lack of actual knowledge. … Continue reading Normal →

Boxing Day. 1.30, Cornflake has gone back to bed. A super, brandied champagne cocktail with brunch will do that, send you to bed like the naughty boy you are. Cornflake had thought that Xmas day would be insufficiently different from a normal Sunday, a lockdown day or Sunday lockdown day to register as a holiday. … Continue reading Xmas tart →

Planning ahead is so 2019. Travel and social plans have been impossible this year. Let's meet if we can, at some point, maybe. At house Tart we have known for some time that Xmas 2020 would not be as it has been. We won't be travelling abroad, we won't have friends or family with us. … Continue reading 370 days til Xmas →

The studio has several new inmates. A couple of them are right at the other end of the floor to the gang, they are very busy, we don’t see much of them. A couple of the newbies are French fashion students studying at a prestigious London school. One of them, Maison M, is making the … Continue reading Fashion face →

I’m sure that if you have been reading this blog for any length of time, you’ll have an incline that, politically speaking, I’m a bit of a leftie. Add any insult to accompany that if you feel the need. If you do feel inclined it’s a fair bet I won’t care. You’ll probably also be … Continue reading Fact and fiction →

I saw a fox going into the garden at the end of our street tonight on my way from the tube. That was exciting. Marmalade and I are in the studio working most days at the moment. Some days I’m working online with students. When I’m not, it’s a laugh. It’s also freezing, part of … Continue reading Excitment →

Friday night dinner out with Cornflake. I’d almost forgotten what that felt like. It’s very nice. The restaurant we went to most often pre lockdown is just around the corner from home. It belongs to the shouty, sweary, tv chef. I described Gordon Ramsey that way to a boy I know. This young man is … Continue reading Champagne and curry sauce →

I'm negative, I'm COVID negative, or at least I was at midday today. In an effort to be more positive, attitude wise, I've been attempting to channel Ian Dury and the Blockheads. I had to consciously look for them, but I’ve found several reasons to be cheerful.. Unable to take our planned trip to visit … Continue reading Reasons to be cheerful →

The search for gaudium is real. That’s the title of one of BelVita’s recent paintings I had to ask what gaudium meant. Joy. No wonder I didn’t know the meaning of it. I'm seriously dissatisfied at the moment. It's been creeping up on me for a good few weeks. My low level misery is all … Continue reading Moan moan moan →

The good lie. Is there such a thing? Asking for a friend. No not really. My journey to the studio takes me past a nail bar that has a neon sign that should say, The Good Life, in twiddly script. Sadly the f isn’t working at the moment. Without the f this cursive sign says, … Continue reading The good lie →

Friday 13th, unlucky for some. You might think that the long overdue, much anticipated, departure of that self serving, charmless, bag of lies, Cumminger, would be the natural topic for today's post. Although interesting, I’m suffering from a polital news malady. The symptoms are a low level of boredom, general lack of interest and resignation. … Continue reading Do you speak Madonna? →

For a few years now I’ve considered that the daily antics and low political capers of politicians must be putting a strain on satirists. How do you compete, comedy wise, with the behaviour of the johnson and his motley crew? America’s outgoing president though has given up on the subtleties of satire. Slapstick, that’s the … Continue reading Forget satire, slapstick’s where we’re at now →

Not much to say but here's a handful of observations from this week...... Home news: Is anyone actually locked down? I'm going to work and so is everyone else so far as I can see. There are even traffic jams. It seems to me that just the fun things have been locked down. International news: … Continue reading What a week →

In amongst the current political twatmongery, life and death carry on and this blog is in danger of specialising in obituaries. My brother Elvis has died, at home, with family. Considering that since our mother died I only see him annually, I am feeling his loss sharply, although in this case I'm conflicted as I … Continue reading Elvis has left the building →

When is a lockdown not a lockdown? When it's being organised by a bunch of shit witted, twatmangles who can't even announce their ill conceived intentions efficiently. So this now imperative emergency, shutdown of somethings, but not everything, must be put in place absolutely urgently....but not til next Thursday. Anybody out there who feels the … Continue reading Day of the dead →

An hour, an extra hour. The hour stolen from us by some faceless bureaucrats in spring, returned at long last by the same. What to do with it? Something sensuous and romantic? Something self indulgent and pampering? Or, clear out a cupboard? Clear out a cupboard while watching the new Rebecca? Yes. That’s the one. … Continue reading An hour or so at Mandalay →

I’m still mask conflicted.. I hate wearing one for many, many reasons. I wear one anyway for reasons discussed previously. I have been wearing a clear plastic, complete face shield for teaching, it makes my forehead sweaty. It’s very hot in there. It clearly shows the fine mist/spray I create when talking. It’s revolting. I … Continue reading A shaggy dog story →

Senior, it’s such an unattractive adjective once you get past sixty. No longer referring to someone higher in rank, or older, it just means elderly. I am, according to the johnson, vulnerable, whilst still being robust enough to carry on working for another six years. Am I moaning again? Sorry, not sorry. Cornflake is on … Continue reading Senior arse →

With no advance notice at all, something has happened in the streets around our home. Something that has usually mute, and disinterested London dwellers chatting in the street. The drive to our house has become almost impossible, our neighbours journeys likewise disrupted. We are people united over vehicular rights of way. New road changes combined … Continue reading Road to nowhere →

Back pre Mid March 2020, Cornflake and I ate out all the time, I went to the movies, to the theatre and generally lived a London style, life of Riley. The current restrictions have taken the pleasure out of our pleasures. The stop and direct on arrival, you can go there, but not there, the … Continue reading No time out →

I wrote a blog post a couple of days ago that I didn’t publish, I just moaned for three hundred and fifty words. Doom and gloom. Dloom, goom. I was having a 2020 kind of day. Super disappointed with the state of things, globally, nationally and locally. Sad and angry at the loss of friends, … Continue reading Princess FT →

I’ve been attacked with bladed articles....by a medical professional. I have two wounds, chin and forearm. The one on my chin looks like a cigarette burn. It should be covered for two weeks but a chin is very mobile, talking, laughing, smiling, all result in it shifting about. Honestly, that had never occurred to me … Continue reading Lumps, bumps, freckles and moles →

In an effort to avoid the communal kettle, the gang of five have set up an ultra mini kitchenette or as we call it, a kitchenettette, in a corner of my studio. Due to the hinged screen that creates the wall in that part of my room, the hot drink making facilities can be accessed … Continue reading The kitchenettette →

Now the weather is more temperate, I’ve started walking to and/or from work. In comparing this walking journey to the walk to my previous studio there are pros and cons. Actually, there is one pro, and one con, and they are the same thing. Primrose Hill. On the plus side I don’t have to wheeze … Continue reading Pros and cons →

Belvita and I spend some time daily watching people in the offices across the road. It's a narrow road. We can clearly see onto two floors of an investment bank headquarters. There's what looks like a hot-desking area that has been empty but is gradually getting busier. One man has personalised a computer by the … Continue reading How the other half work →

Today I have been reflecting on the new skills I’ve developed and the old skills I've honed this summer. Top of the list must be, fannying around. Not being a wage slave, driven by the needs of others, working to schedules devised for/by large institutions, has reignited my talent for doing nothing much, but busily. … Continue reading Skills →

Personality goes a long way, Jules said it, and it's true. This is the case for the building my studio is in. It’s in The City, it used to be an office block, at some point, hopefully not too soon, it will be an hotel. It's a mess but it has bucket loads of personality. … Continue reading Personality →

I had a middle of the night WTF?! moment. Will I ever work again? Well, yes, I will, I’ve got one contract, for a couple of days a week, for a bit. ....And the new studio works well, that is, I can work well within it. I’ve tested most activities that could need to be … Continue reading Un-busy →

Cornflake and I live in a mouse hole. Well, that’s what it feels like. We live in a flat at the end of a Georgian terrace. If one residence has a mouse, we’re all at risk of zoomy, shitty, pissy, furry, little visitors. Our anti mice behaviour has become laughable. We’re not keen on killing … Continue reading Little shit →

I’ve just emptied a small chest of drawers. It needs to be out of the way. Cornflake has brought a folding bicycle. He feels that something needs to be done to combat recently gained poundage and that a bike is the thing. With no outdoor space to park a bike in, it has to come … Continue reading Ageists →

Hello Dear Reader, you may have noticed that I've been a bit quiet this last month or so. The reasons for this are multi various, mostly related to the move into my new studio. It’s pretty much functional now. My giant cupboard is stuffed and the work area is clear. The space is small but … Continue reading The knob-o-meter →

Last night was fan farcical. The heat was unbearable, at 2.30am we got up and rearranged furniture moving items from the lounge to the bedroom, all to reposition the fan to achieve a more effective chill factor. As a consequence, I couldn’t exit my side of the bed as usual for my middle of the … Continue reading Fandango →

I’m going nowhere. Although this statement is worthy of an existential crisis, today it’s a practical, factual statement of intent. We went out early for breakfast and that’s that. 30 degrees in London is just too hot, we could go for a drive with the air con on, but air quality is poor too and … Continue reading Some like it hot, not →

Mesothelioma, it's a bastard. It finally took my friend Toast last weekend. Toast lived almost nine years beyond her original prognosis, leading me to believe that she might keep beating the odds. Sadly not, and I am so upset, that to my shame, her partner, T, who has lost his Love, felt the need to … Continue reading A toast to Toast →

I’m still chuntering on about masks. If you’re going to wear one, wear it right, covering mouth and nose. No, it’s not an either or choice chaps. Coming home on the bus yesterday there were two blokes wearing mask beards, or beard masks, whatever, drinking cans of beer. Leaving aside the issues surrounding being so … Continue reading Mask boozing →

Just wear a damn mask if you can and most of you can. A cloth mask offers some minimal protection to the wearer, but importantly it’ll inhibit the wearers chances of spreading the virus. If everyone who can wear one, wears one, we can slow the spread. It’s that simple. What the fuck is the … Continue reading Mask rant →

This week has been all about cleaning and painting, decorating not art that is. I’ve also been gathering my baggages together into just two locations, I wish I’d been wearing my Fitbit. I’ve been super sweaty, I’m now super achy and super knackered. The studio space I’ve got is a bargain, but there’s a price … Continue reading The cleaner →

Apotheosis The peak, the best version of something. I’m hoping this current time isn’t the apotheosis for the human race. Now I’m going to have to go off on a tangent, rather than discussing just how dim witted, and lacking a social conscience so many people are currently. I’ll come back to that at some … Continue reading Not the apotheosis →

Studio license signed, deposit paid, not handed in my notice on the storage unit yet, but soon. They obviously provide a needed service, by me in particular recently, but it’s hard to put into words how much I have resented the dead cost of that storage unit. Honestly, if I wasn’t attached to much of … Continue reading Nostalgia no 1 →

Today was our parents wedding anniversary, 4th July. The day I lost my independence, father would say, every year, without exception. It was also the day he died. Awkward, they had always really celebrated their anniversary in style. So much so that Cornflake and I chose this time of year to get married so we … Continue reading Dad day →

Cornflake has popped out for the weekend supply of booze, crisps, dip and chocolate. It’s no surprise then that yesterday, while getting dressed for our first visit out, I found that my breasts can no longer be contained in two of my new dresses. Bought early in lockdown, while I was at my, less fat … Continue reading Supplies →

Drinking on a park bench just doesn’t seem such a desperate act these days does it? Instead of going to a bar, because we can’t, yesterday evening Cornflake and I went out for a pre dinner g and t in the shade of a tree, in the garden at the end of our street. I … Continue reading Out →

To mark the Summer Solstice, here's Stonehenge as seen from the A344, through the wire perimeter fence.

I know I should wear a face mask, and I do, but I don’t like it. I feel hot and breathless, I imagine that when it rains it’ll be like water boarding myself. To add to these horrors, finding the right mask is going to become a style choice, not just a civic duty, trust … Continue reading Plague doctor →

No work this week, annual leave. The studio search has been postponed until next week due to lack of interest from both myself and potential landlords. Hopefully all parties will be more on the ball from Monday. Having no urgent matters to attend to has left room for long walks, but there are a couple … Continue reading Toilet issues →

You only get one chance to make a first impression. It’s true. Clothes are the way we present ourselves, they can be a truthful representation of a person at a given moment or might be manipulated to tell a different narrative. We all read what we are presented with, how we interpret this presentation may … Continue reading Uniform →

The weird of lockdown is shifting to the weird of partial, post lockdownish, kind of what might be the new normal, maybe. It’s upsetting. I’m upset that the minute we were let out, humans proved we've learnt nothing, are as messy and polluting as ever, with the added c-19 detritus to litter with, rubber gloves … Continue reading Views →

Shopping for Saturday night. It didn't used to be like this. But this is how it is now. We'll diet another day.

Everybody knows I appreciate a well dressed man but it's not the most important thing. It doesn't matter how well dressed you are, no matter what good deeds you do for your community, this will not negate immoral, extreme cruelty towards another set of people, no matter how financially expedient these actions are. Last weekend, … Continue reading Eddy’s demise →

I need a new studio, desperately. I went to my storage unit at lunchtime. Mainly to get a sewing machine to use to make masks, but believe me, nothing is coming out of that place until it all comes out. My Tetris skills were in full force the day I packed that sucker. A piece … Continue reading Fridayish →

To quote News Thump, squeezing stress balls not as effective as punching someone in the face, finds study. This is probably another of life’s undeniable truths. My go to imaginary act of violence is a punch, possibly because I can throw a punch. I haven’t punched anyone since the 1980s. The Main Tart imagines kicking, … Continue reading Kapow! →

I don’t talk about my teaching much outside of work. Currently I’m suffering a degree of hysteria, trying to hit the tighter than usual exam board deadlines. My nerves are all of a jangle. In addition to that, knowing that all this effort will reach its pinnacle with another couple of four hour meetings is … Continue reading Board bored →

I wish rather than believe that George Floyd will be the last. R I P

No, not that sort, this is none political, I'm talking glass. We’re so exposed. I’ve thought this several times today, we had our windows cleaned. It’s like there’s nothing there. We really must get them done more regularly, or, more correctly, more often, we do get them done regularly, about once every five years. In … Continue reading Transparency →

Some mornings this last week both Cornflake and I have gone for our walk early, really early. I’m finding that after, or within an entire day on the computer I can’t be bothered going out unless there’s a reason. Food, post office, that kind of thing. One evening we were so lacking in oomph we … Continue reading Around the block →

Another week older, another no show lottery win, and another governmental shenanigans to add to the raging cluster-fuck that is Tory Britain. A government with a big majority, that can vote through the lowering of food standards in a blink, but has no authority to tell anyone what to do day to day any longer. … Continue reading Household Tetris →

The answer to that recently often asked question has become clear this evening. Not in a fridge, no, not for a week or so. No, johnson has been firmly entrenched up cummings arseflap. I've been looking for a replacement insult for CUNextTuesday for some time and now I've been handed one on a plate. It … Continue reading Where’s the johnson? →

It’s coming up two years since I started writing this blog, it’s been remarkably easy to bang on for that long. It's possibly not a surprise to those that know me. I am a banger-onner, my father banged on before me and I dare say, had I had a child, they too would have carried … Continue reading Banging on →

I had to go for my walk mid working day earlier this week. I’m marking and I thought my head might explode. I’ve seen the mess a pressurised cafetière can make in an enclosed space so went outdoors just in case. I’d like to think that I wouldn’t pick on an individual or a group … Continue reading Standards revisited →

I only buy a lottery ticket when I’m feeling lucky. Last night we didn’t win the lottery, again. Can you believe it? At least this was a straight forward washout, not one of those twisted ones. One where you get an email saying you’ve won, go to your account, only to find you’ve won less … Continue reading Loss →

I’m missing cafes. Pre covid-19, I probably spent more time than the national average in cafes. At any moment in time I’ll have a couple of favourites. This love of hanging out over a tea or coffee, with or without a nibble, with or without company, is one of the things that Cornflake and I … Continue reading Desperate →

I mentioned that Cornflake and I hit the sherry over last weekend? The fruits of that episode have been arriving by various delivery methods throughout the week. I’ve made a note to refrain from shopping on the internet while bored and/or after a half litre of cheap plonk. I've indulged in the low rent, sofa … Continue reading Sláinte →

Well that was as clear as mud Mr Johnson. To clarify, the message as I heard it was; The curve has flattened, so there's room for more of you to die in hospital. When you see the virus, kick it in the crotch for me. Damn your granny, rich people are losing money, get back … Continue reading Clarification →

I was feeling more chilled yesterday, Cornflake and I almost polished off a litre bottle of cheap sherry by 4pm, it helps. However that’s not the most shocking news from yesterday. On our walk we ended up wandering along the canal on the north side of the zoo. I rarely use the tow paths for … Continue reading Shocking →

My levels of gratitude for my health etc are diminishing as my levels of lock down pissed-offitude rise. I’ve tried having a word with myself, I wouldn’t listen, it hasn’t helped. I recognise that the good of the community outweighs my belligerence but those perky bastards with their keep calm and whatever attitude really piss … Continue reading Another day in LoDo →

You may have noticed that I’m inclined to overthink. Recently I needed to find out when the very beautiful mosaics at the zoo entrance had arrived. I was unwilling to believe they’d been there unnoticed by my eagle eyes for very long. It was a matter of pride as I fancy myself to be very … Continue reading Confused Tart →

I was cheered yesterday by the arrival of a pair of new sock trainers. This purchase falls outside of the, shop not, train of thought because they are a direct replacement for a worn out, much beloved pair of the same. I know what you’re thinking, face and body of a plump and middle aged … Continue reading Plausible deniability →

I can’t get to the zoo first thing at the moment due to work, I’m feeling the loss. Lockdown is wearing on and wearing me down. Not I or any that I hold dear are dead, dying or ill, all of which I recognise are positives. Still, lucky as I am, yesterday I suffered throughout … Continue reading Lacklustre tart →

As Shakespeare himself might have said, to shop or shop not, that is the question. Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to have a wardrobe full of discounted shoes and dresses that you may never wear because the moths will have eaten them before you get to leave the house on business again, assuming you're … Continue reading Shop not →

I have been very curious about my new gibbon neighbours. It turns out that the two gibbons are father and son. They are Northern white cheeked gibbons. The smaller one, Jimmy, is the dad and he is the most interested in people. Girls particularly, brunettes specifically. He is the most vocal of the two. He’s … Continue reading Gibbon news →

I’ve been getting to work, the dining table that is, good and early this week. It’s been full on but I have something to look forward to. I had saved the latest series of Better Call Saul to watch binge style over the weekend. I miss timed it and will have to wait until tonight … Continue reading The bad →

I’ve just returned from a food foraging trip. It may have been because I’ve mentioned it a few times recently, it may be as a result of the inevitable, yet deeply disappointing news that the lockdown needs to continue, but I’ve arrived home with an enormous bottle of sherry. Is four pm on a Friday … Continue reading A dream →

Whilst others are dying or risking their lives dealing with the current crisis, my low point today was washing the vacuum cleaner filters. I recognise that I am currently blessed with the gift of inactivity, boredom and clean household appliances. I salute the front line workers. Even though I’m on holiday from work for a … Continue reading Zoological boredom relief →

Can the opposite of something, prove the thing? Eat less and exercise more and you will lose weight? If you harbour any doubts about this I can testify that the opposite is absolutely true. Move less and eat more and you will gain weight. You have a witness. Amen! Cornflake is suffering with this. We … Continue reading Witness →

Easter weekend under lockdown isn’t panning out too badly chez Tart, no shortage of chocolate, or eggs, or chocolate eggs. There’s quite a lot of news from the zoo, perimeter safari. 7.30am is the perfect time to visit as all of the animals are relaxed having breakfast. This includes the zoo staff having their break … Continue reading Easter →

I’m taking some holiday over Easter. Obviously not going anywhere, we will be self isolating leisurely stylie. Yesterday I was on the computer for eight straight hours, that’s not my natural habitat. I worked through lunch and that was a mistake too. By the end of the day felt like I was just flapping my … Continue reading /‘Dydy →

On our walks these days we often see discarded packaging for enormous TVs. What to watch on TV is probably on most self isolators minds at the moment, when their minds aren't on the virus. Marmalade confessed that she has been watching the tv series Merlin. I’m not sure what I think of it, she … Continue reading TV special →

For our walk today I put on the very comfy, very ugly shoes that I bought last summer. You may remember me banging on about them. However, when I put them on today I thought I’d been rather harsh in my previous appraisal, they look fine, quite nice even. Really though, do they? Is it … Continue reading Standards →

There are varying levels of care being applied in the Cornflake/Tart household in respect of the advice given by everyone about avoiding catching, and/or spreading the COVID-19 virus. The news, government, internet etc are all having their say and we are picking our way through the sometimes contradictory advice. For that opening phrase, varying levels … Continue reading Paranoia →

You have to get your fun where you can, and at the moment fun options are limited. My new keyboard has arrived and it lights up in rainbow colours, it's a veritable disco of a keyboard. The colours match with my screensaver of Cornflake walking through a graffitied tunnel along the canal at Camden. I’m … Continue reading Fun →

I’ve said it before, and I believe it absolutely, everyday I learn a lesson. The surprising things are when you learn something new about yourself. I’m never surprised to find that I’m not as nice as I would like to be. This popped up most recently with the news that the johnson has the virus, … Continue reading Back up buster →

For my allowed exercise today I walked around the West End. Oxford street empty on a Saturday afternoon. I mean EMPTY. No one there but me and the occasional bus with no passengers. Businesses shut, customers self isolating and social distancing. It was uncomfortably strange. I don't know what I was expecting. I used to … Continue reading Seriously →

I’ve just completed my first day of online teaching, it was busy. It looks like the courts will be closing in the next few days for all but the most urgent cases, so, Cornflake will be home too. Who knows if that may go on line as well. I’m only leaving the house for socially … Continue reading A virtual life →

I’ve just received an email from the camping equipment store Go Outdoors, I deleted it without reading, Although Cornflake and I did indeed just go outdoors, our daily exercise trip to M and S for supplies, veg today, it’s more steps than going to Sainsbury’s. Sainsbury’s just counts as foraging for food, M and S … Continue reading The street where we live →

I was a little delayed on my commute to work yesterday. The bright sunshine and the presence of a magnifying mirror resulted in extended facial plucking. This morning there were no holdups, I made it directly from bed, to bath, to office (dining table) successfully avoiding the tv, Facebook and the 10x magnifying mirror. My … Continue reading News →

Self isolating and working from home. This global outbreak has made my world very small. Apart from early morning foraging for food you’ll probably find me at home. I unarmed a woman of excess pasta at 8 am yesterday. She had a basket piled full of pasta and a packet in each hand. There was … Continue reading Mappa mundi →

Yesterday Just back from a quick trip to Sainsbury’s to buy casserole vegetables. What a shocker. I was prepared for no toilet roll and no pasta but there was bugger all of anything. I returned home with two packs of mushrooms, a pack of bacon, a variety of manky carrots from the bottom of the … Continue reading The covid-19 diet →

The hot topics for conversation this last weekend chez tart were; Cornflake's birthday, HB my beauty, and of course, the biggie, corona virus. Not the Corona of my youth, but the vision of a textured glass bottle of Cherryade flits through my head constantly these days. I’ve assured Cornflake that I’ll still need and feed … Continue reading Not the corona I remember fondly from my youth →

Last night I was reminded of my journey home from Scotland. I drove from the hospital to my third stop, the home of Knitty and her husband. They fed me and watered me. Mr Knitty and I then tortured Knitty with a movie, she doesn’t like movies, but she felt obliged to provide me with … Continue reading Bloody queens →

Sunday. What a very lovely day! Cleaning, washing, breakfasting, having my ears pierced.... Yes, I had my ears pierced again. I’ve been generally uninterested in earrings since the late 70’s when those hugely long Perspex earrings that had been all the rage, went out of fashion. I had a nine month window of earring love. … Continue reading Ear ear →

The road to Scotland part 3 The second section of my journey up through Scotland was the most difficult of the trip. It’s beautiful you know. Not lush, at times grand, other times almost desolate, but always beautiful, when you can see it through the weather that is. Scotland has a lot of weather and … Continue reading The long goodbye, or not →

There was talk that there may have been a snoliday today, a snow holiday. I was beyond excited. I’m on a contract until July, meaning I might’ve had a surprise day off AND got paid. The freelancer in me brought my work computer home, mad tart. Anyhow this dream was not to be. Probably not … Continue reading The lost snoliday →

The road to Scotland part 2. I filled up with petrol on the way to work knowing a tank would get me to my first stop. Soon after leaving work a warning light came on, I didn’t know what it meant, stopped at a garage, Googled, found out, sorted it, light wouldn’t go out. This … Continue reading The first stop →

Honestly I will start a diet again soon, tomorrow I think. I chatted with Frenchie earlier today. She is in full throttle, new knee breaking in, or breaking herself into the new knee, one or the other, something like that. It works, the knee, but needs to up it’s game and perform as well as … Continue reading Scotland I’m brave →

"Thousands of Brits either lose or gain a trampoline" News Thump. Primrose hill is shut due to hazardous weather, we tried to go to the cafe in the park and it’s shut too, park and cafe. I’ve never known that to happen, not even during that crazy big storm of 1980 whenever it was. The … Continue reading Windy much? →

I’m back. Xmas was lovely, warm and foreign with Cornflake, Frenchie, P, their cats and their dog Luli, it seems an age ago. I’ve now crawled out from under the new year. I’ve come to realise that I shut down annually between the winter solstice and early February. My work schedule this January has seemed … Continue reading February at last →

Nasty or stupid? Greedy or gullible? or all of those things? What makes a Tory voter, vote Tory? I don’t know many and I keep contact to a minimum but I now imagine that much like rats in London, you must always be within a few feet of one. I think I watch tv differently … Continue reading Friday 13th →

Filing. I’m good at it. I keep this quiet, it’s not clever or creative or a thing of beauty. I am a queen of filing, according to our leader. I believe in filing. It’s the answer when several people need access to hard copy info about multiple subjects. Yes, this really is me, the Fat … Continue reading Systems →

I had a diary clash. Not two parties, not two weddings or two meetings. No, two funerals and a day of interviews. Two fucking funerals. This makes my purse full of museum memberships and senior discounted travel cards, the wheelie bag and scented drawer liners pale into insignificance as old age indicators. I couldn’t go … Continue reading I hope →

I’ve received news that a dear friend has died. It’s a shock, I’m sad and as I write, a little teary. Death is so final. I’ve already had the conversation with some friends that I won’t be attending their funerals. You can’t deny a funeral. After the last funeral I attended I decided that I … Continue reading Somewhere else →

I’ve been obsessing about an enormous spider we met twice recently. Usually I’m arachnabrave, but I hope that this one doesn’t find out where we live, or if it does that we can come to some understanding. I thank the God I don’t believe in that she didn’t see fit to make this spider six … Continue reading Arachnayeek →

It’s nine am Sunday, no work today. Wide awake since six I’ve watched the first three episodes of Deadwood, it’s great, but it’s dark. Toast lent me the box set. It’s a Western, a study of greed and general bad behaviour. The bad language I’ve got already. The drinking whiskey, cheating, killing and whoring will … Continue reading The Windy City ain’t got what we’ve got… →

I caught a bit of a political comment program this morning. The johnson was on, waffling and lying as per usual. With the disrespect shown the Fire Service this week I wonder if he’s taken the precaution of wearing flame proof underwear.

Halloween, I don't answer the door, I don't want to scare children, not even those proffering threats and demanding gifts. I was talking to a colleague today who has really embraced the Halloween thing. His full size skeleton arrived today. I couldn't be trusted with a full size skeleton. I'd want to pose it rudely. … Continue reading Happy Halloween if you really must →

At long last, a day off. The things I ever planned to do you wouldn’t believe. Largely these things focussed around cleaning, grooming, shopping, and eating. What actually happened was a breakfast out with Cornflake, a quick visit to my studio to pick up stuff that as it turned out was all at home all … Continue reading A day off →

I have a new acquaintance. I think he may be from India originally but I can’t differentiate between Indians and people from Pakistan. I also fail the Kiwi, Australian test. I’ll call him BS, no, not that. BS for bus shelter. He hangs out in a local bus shelter at a bus stop I use … Continue reading BS →

Well, this week I may have to review my opinion of the johnson, it seems he may be the person to unite this divided country after all...by achieving ’a deal’ that pisses everyone off. In many ways this seems appropriately democratic, shitty but equally disappointing for all. I wonder how this period of politics will … Continue reading Can you trust a diarist? →

Bill Bryson has written a book about the body called The Body, it’s being serialised on Radio four extra. Yep, radio four extra, don’t snigger. I caught an episode on the way to work the other day. It was about the brain and it was fascinating. Human kinds most extraordinary talent, he says, is thinking. … Continue reading Our most extraordinary talent →

My Grandmother used to say that old age doesn’t come alone. She was referring to pain and misery, she also used to say, old age is not for the faint hearted. Cheery old dear. I’m not so old I know, but at what age do we stop referring to ourselves as middle aged? How long … Continue reading So you think you’re middle aged? →

I popped into the studio yesterday afternoon to check on arrangements for a night out. I'm pooped I said, I think I'll just wear what I've got on tonight. That's fine, it's a comedy night, said Marmalade. I don't know what she could have meant

The world is one great big classroom. Here’s what I’ve learnt this week. One. I really am old. I was in bed on my birthday by 9.30, I just can’t do early evening champagne anymore and if that doesn’t scream ‘old lady!’ loud enough, someone gave me a gift of scented drawer liners. Two. Don’t … Continue reading Life lessons →

Unforeseen circumstances have resulted in a bigger, more responsible, work load for me just now, previous commitments also need to be completed. Head down, get on with it love. At times I’m inclined to complain, but then I remember that I’ll be momentarily minted. I do, after all, have a formidable shoe habit to support … Continue reading Special offer →

Honestly I would have just slapped him with my aubergine emoji bat. He's doing way more harm with his own yellow mallet. Way to go johnson.

I need a bag full of ITRW emoji. We went out Saturday night, out of London out. We traveled to the arse end of nowhere or near Woking if you’d like to put a name to it. A friend of Cornflake was celebrating his birthday. The venue was a working men’s club sort of situation, … Continue reading Real world emoji for when your own facial expressions just aren’t enough →

A week is a long time in politics they say and this week that is doubly or even trebly true. At the start of this week I’d given up arguing intelligently about the nature of democracy and the discussion that makes Parliament central to the democratic process. Parliament shut down FFS. I nearly spontaneously combusted. … Continue reading Political crap →

i wrote this last week: I've had trouble concentrating at work today. I have loads to do, forward planning, briefs to write, schedules and other work that is needed right now. I’m really distracted by the rantings of sledgehammer brexitards and our current political situation generally. I really shouldn’t go near the internet at the … Continue reading Chez Marmalade →

How time flies. I’m feeling nostalgic. We spent time last weekend with friends I don’t see often. I think of them as the Pineapple girls although we're all middle aged women now and they are both mothers to young adults. I'm the oldest but was never the most sensible. Sadly I'm rarely ever the most … Continue reading Time please →

I saw my friend Toast this week. Toast chose her name because she’s toast, that is she has a terminal cancer. Thus far she has refused to die of it and instead is living with it against all predictions. Long may this continue to be the case. Toast is also a fashion professional. We talk … Continue reading Was that Karl Lagerfeld drinking lager in a field? →

We are living through strange and dangerous political times. Perhaps we’ll all wake up and realise it was a shared dream. A meshing scenario, written by comedians and produced by an as yet unproven production company founded by a Bristol Art School drop out. How else can you explain an American president who lost the … Continue reading A blast of putrid air and a dick →

I am still losing weight but so slowly now that I’m bored by the scales and I imagine that they, in return are bored by me. I’m apparently unable to diet properly although I am constantly expecting to do a big push soon, tomorrow. Yes, tomorrow seems like a plan. I am, for the most … Continue reading The green dress trauma →

Today had better not be the day I die. ( see post ‘shoes to die in’) My outfit is beyond camping ugly. Apparently when ugly items of clothes are combined the ugliness factor multiplies exponentially. I imagine there might be applicable mathematical theorems that cover this phenomenon. More than one ugly item can strip the … Continue reading The square root of ugly? →

I’m working nearby Shepherd’s Bush Market. I love markets. I can’t think of one London market that I don’t like. One of my hot tips for living happily in London is to live by a street market. It doesn’t matter what sort, fruit and veg, flowers, antiques, bit of everything. Street shopping makes for a … Continue reading Dior on Dior →

I'm awfully busy at the moment. When I get a minute to think, I think about my summer happy place. The park is my summer joy. The picture is of my favourite outside table at the cafe. However, if it’s really, really hot, my happy place shifts to the chilled foods aisle in Sainsbury's. I've … Continue reading All work and no play…. →

It’s a fabulous thing, but the English language can be awfully confusing. So many rules, so many broken rules, so many words that have multiple meanings, so many different ways to pronounce the same letter groups. I don’t know how Sean Bean bears it. I can’t speak for other languages obviously as I don’t speak … Continue reading Linguistics →

It is hellishly hot in London. I wonder if the weather is making a political comment. Democracy is having another bad day. In light of the view that we get the government we deserve, I also wonder when I could possibly have been so bad as to deserve this shit show. I really can’t remember. … Continue reading London hell →