What my face says

I can’t be held responsible for what my face says.

I read that on facebook.

I suppose those cards with inane sayings are popular for the dull truths they tell. That one is definitely true of me and the relationship I have with my face.

I try, I really do try to keep it under control.

People who know me can tell if I like someone or not by my level of politeness. Saucy pointed it out years ago, if I’m not sure about someone, I am ultra polite. If someone I’m obliged to be with socially or in a work setting is a knob, I’ll be as polite as possible until I can escape. I wasn’t always that way, I threatened to punch a man once if he continued to talk crap at me, I warned him again and again and eventually did punch him. He was shocked which was bizarre given the circumstances.

I seriously doubt I would punch anyone nowadays but my face just isn’t as polite as the rest of me.

My eyebrows are very expressive. I can keep my mouth fairly even and my eyes relatively steady while people are talking utter shite, but my eyebrows just get higher and higher. I have absolutely no control over them. One day someone will say something that so beggars belief that my brows will actually leave my head and hover over my hairline. I’ve developed quite a curved crease in my face that follows the line of my right eyebrow.

Stop talking twaddle and giving me crinkles people! Just Stop!

Here are some examples of things my face says that I would never dare:

You’re straight? NO? Fucking hell!…..This face happens surprisingly often, a very camp florist mentioning his wife did it, a very, very camp sewing technician mentioning his children did it, and on and on. I don’t have a sensitive gaydar. You’d think I would have. I deal with clothes all the time. I read what they say but often the wearer isn’t using the same book as me and meanings get lost in translation. During my formative going out years, boys could wear glitter, makeup, pink, beer mats, a dress if he liked. Girls on the other hand could wear boys clothes or next to nothing. As a consequence of my malfunctioning gay radar, if a gentleman wants me to know that he’s gay, I know, why would he? I suggest he puts ALL appropriate stereotypes into play; beautiful clothes, gorgeous after shave, well groomed dog, if he could bear to add a lilting tone to his voice and stand with one hand on a hip that would be helpful too. On the other hand, if you are straight, love clothes, and aftershave, are generally well groomed, own a Bichon Frisée and have one leg shorter than the other, you might have to deal with that face when you introduce your girlfriend. I apologise in advance.

You look a right twat in that hat!….Oddly my face mostly says that via photos of me, to me. I love hats, I own a couple of very expensive ones. I think I look gorgeous in them but photos of my face while I’m wearing afore mentioned handmade hats say otherwise.

Cake is life! Cake is love!…… It was Saucy again who pointed out that I should only ever have my photo taken while holding cake as the presence of cake makes me look lovely. When taking my photo she has suggested that I imagine I’m holding cake…..not wearing a hat. I’ve never had my photo taken with a pasty. I wonder how that would play out.

You believe that?! WTF?…. Mostly this is my face’s political comment.

You don’t believe what they say and you’ll still vote for them? WTF?….. See above. These last two are really working hard at the moment.

Really?!…This is my most used face, it’s a cover all, are you serious? face, often in play during my working hours.

I could go on but I won’t. Life is short and I’ve got the GoT behind series 8 film to watch.

I’m so glad I didn’t buy the House Targaryen bag.

I wonder if they’ll be reduced in price?

Cut price Mother of Dragons bag anyone?