Real world emoji for when your own facial expressions just aren’t enough

I need a bag full of ITRW emoji.

We went out Saturday night, out of London out. We traveled to the arse end of nowhere or near Woking if you’d like to put a name to it. A friend of Cornflake was celebrating his birthday. The venue was a working men’s club sort of situation, cheap drink, pork scratchings, formica, patterned carpet. It had a retro charm of sorts. There was a live band playing a selection of heavy metal hits. They’d brought their own wind machine and the singer’s wispy, long hair blew in the artificial breeze. The mid 1970’s night out ambiance was completed by the fact that all but two guests were men, out stag because the wives were at home with the kids.

I was accosted by a drunk as I arrived. She expressed the view that the johnson is great, charismatic, best man for the job, we voted out, let’s get it over with. I think she thought I’d agree. After a short attempt to express my views, including showing her my drawing of BJ under a pile of shit of his own making, I realised the futility of attempting a reasonable exchange of views. I turned my back, she continued to witter on.

Faced with a person who makes political choices on personalities not policies, and dodgy personalities at that, I realised that what I really needed was a bag full of emoji, fuck conversation.

I use the wow face often on political matters, I use the laughing emoji derisively when people express the aforementioned views, I’ve only recently realised that the aubergine means wanker, I could do with a banging my head on a brick wall emoji but I’ve yet to find one.

If I were to attach emoji to table tennis bats, I could put one expression on each side. It’s not beyond the realms of possibility that I could get away with just six emoji, three bats. I believe this isn’t unreasonable from a luggage perspective. Even if I had to buy a bigger bag it’d be worth it for the breath I’d save.

I’m liking the idea of showing bats to express my views, simple and concise. If the emoji fail, a quick smack with the bat could be an added effective means of expression.

Its the way forward, I’m sure